A while ago I told you that we were going through a family crisis, and that I wouldn't have as much time to devote to Macaroni Kid. I want to tell you all a little bit about what we have been going through.
I'm actually "grandma". My daughter lived through many years of domestic abuse. The children witnessed it, and were greatly affected. There has been a restraining order for the past few years. The restraining order was expiring, and we had to go through a trial to extend the restraining order. A very limited amount of testimony was presented at the original hearing. This time, much more was brought out (and there are volumes more) because it was an actual trial, complete with witnesses and evidence. It has been a very stressful time as the mountain of evidence had to be sorted through. It made my daughter have to relive things she hoped she could forget.
My daughter is the strongest woman I know. The abuse she endured over the years is truly awful. Many women in her situation turn to drugs or alcohol to numb the pain. Some commit suicide. Still others fight back and the abuse turns deadly. Through it all, even when she was feeling her lowest, the children were her number one priority. She left many times, taking refuge at our house until he had calmed down. Although there were times she yelled back, and a couple times she even fought back, by biting and pushing him away, for the most part she kept her cool. She repeatedly told him his behavior was unacceptable around the kids. Had she not kept her cool, and put the kids first, the situation could have been much worse. She is a survivor. She is a warrior. She is my hero.
Leaving him was very difficult. He threatened her in many different ways. Other times he would promise it would never happen again, and be on "good behavior" for awhile. He harassed and stalked her, and so much more. The only way she was finally able to get him to leave her alone was through a restraining order.
Some of you may have heard about #whyIstayed.
You'll notice my articles are all by Macaroni Kid. That is on purpose. Our family has chosen to keep a low profile. As much as I would love to put my name on articles and get out in the community, we don't feel safe. We worry we will run into this person. Domestic abuse can affect more than just the person being abused. Besides my daughter being directly affected, in our case, he involved extended family members. He has made it very clear he hates me (because I stood up to him on occasion).
The saddest thing about the entire situation is how this mans behavior affected the kids. For those that think kids don't notice what is going on, I'm here to tell you they very much know what is going on. It does affect them. Even worse, they are innocent victims that have no control at all with what they see and hear. The effects of witnessing abuse will be different for each child, but it will be there. Some things will be subtle, and others will be right out front. Too often people, who aren't aware of the situation, may think that the child is just "acting out" or just "really sensitive". Things like a baby who cries excessively, delayed speech, even difficulty with having bowel movements, can be signs as well, and can easily be overlooked.
I don't know if you have looked at many of the guides I have created for Macaroni Kid, but there is one in particular I want to be sure everyone is aware of. It's called A HELPING HAND For Families in Need. It has resources for families experiencing a variety of difficult situations. One of the categories is domestic abuse. I only have a handful of resources listed, but my goal is to search out, and find, as many resources available as I can. As I'm sure you now understand, this is something that I care passionately about. I hope that it will help others that find themselves in a toxic relationship.
Those that have never been in, or around, domestic abuse may wonder how someone can end up in a relationship like that. They think it could never happen to them. The people that commit domestic abuse aren't monsters all the time, and they don't start out that way. If they did, you wouldn't start up a relationship with them in the first place. Many can be very charming. They can "wow" you in the beginning. You can even wonder how you got so "lucky" to find someone like this. After awhile, there may be some little "red flags", but you can write it off as not really a big thing, because they are so infrequent. As time goes by, these "little things" start happening more often. They can be masters at manipulating things, twisting and turning what happened. It can truly be insidious. By the time it gets bad, you can be too frightened to leave, so beaten down you lack confidence, or too confused because he has told you it's your fault these horrible things are happening. When others show concern, many times, the victim will defend her abuser, either afraid of what could happen if she told others and he found out, or because he can also be such a nice person around other people that she worries no one will believe her, especially if he has been telling these people things to make her look bad.
I truly hope that none of you reading this are in a relationship like this, but chances are some of you are. Remember, you are not alone. When you are in this kind of relationship it is easy to feel that way. You might feel as if you are different than other people around you. You may be afraid to tell others or feel ashamed and embarrassed. It's easy to feel as if other people just won't understand. I wish it wasn't so, but there is a sisterhood of domestic violence victims out there. Finding a way to connect with others that have shared similar experiences can help.
I know it can be very difficult and scary to get out of this kind of relationship. There are organizations out there to help. The most important thing is your safety, and deciding when the right time to leave can be very difficult. The time right after leaving can be especially dangerous. If anyone reading this is part of any group or organization that helps domestic violence victims, please contact me so that I can add the information to the directory.
