#WHY I STAYED
There are several reasons:
He threatened to make it ugly with kids
He threatened to get custody of kids since he didn’t work, going so far as to say he would quit a job to do it
He threatened to kill himself
He has threatened to kill others
I was beaten down. He put me down, called me names, and twisted the facts so many times, I began to question myself and what was really happening. He had me convinced he would be able to get custody because he was home and that the courts didn’t care about pot anymore because it was going to be legal soon.
I feared for our safety if I left.
Plus there was always some hope that the person I first met would appear. He could be very nice, funny and charming. By the time I left, I realized this was not the real person, though. This was the face he showed me to begin with, and in social situations. His friends saw the nice guy.
People that would meet him would think he’s the nicest guy. He knows exactly what acceptable behavior is, and what to say when he needs and wants to impress others. My sisters first impression was correct, though. What he showed at first was fake.
The private person, the real one I witnessed, when the others were not around, was not anything like that person. His friends, and most of his family, have no idea what he is capable of. Even his parents, who lived next door, did not know everything that went on behind closed doors. The real person started showing his face more and more, even sometimes in front of my family, making it even scarier.
He could be calm and cool one moment, and something as little as stepping on the back of his flip flop, by accident, could set him off on a verbal assault. Any perceived (whether true or imagined) wrong doing against him would warrant a much more severe reaction. He was jealous, manipulative, intimidating, vengeful, and downright mean. He does not like to follow rules, and will outright ask “what are you gonna do about it?” He would involve family and friends in our issues, always twisting things around to make it appear I was the problem.
He would make promises all the time to control his anger, or stop smoking pot, but after a short stretch, it would be right back to where it started, and in fact his behavior progressively got worse over time. I feared for my safety.
Leaving him was the most difficult thing I have ever done. Every time I said it was over, he did something to make me fear him, fear he would commit suicide, or he begged and pleaded saying he would change. He would harass me and wait at my work. I questioned my decision at first because I missed being part of a family, and doing things as a family. However I knew I could not allow the kids to be exposed to his behavior any longer. They had been affected far too much. As hard as I knew having a broken family can be on children, the alternative, staying with him, and exposing them to his violence, was much worse. After pleading with him so many times, asking him to control his behavior in front of the children, he just could not do so.
This was not a one time, in the heat of a moment thing. His abuse started slowly many years ago. As soon as our first child was born, it got worse. He now had a way to keep me there, by threatening to take her. When he found out I was texting a coworker, he twisted it into me full on cheating, and told friends and family. It’s as if he now felt fully justified in his abuse. When I would try to leave him, he would harass and stalk me, and make one of several different threats. He threatened to kill people, including himself. It scared me to the core.
He also knows how to tug at heartstring by crying and pleading. It was always about how hurt he was, never mind what he had done to me was far worse than I ever did to him, and even worse than that, is the fact that he thought his hurt was worse than what his behavior was doing to the kids, as they witnessed so much of his abuse.
He needs help, although if his past is any indication, he won’t follow though. He took anger management classes at one time, and during that period of time his behavior actually got worse. He just doesn’t seem to truly understand that what he has done is wrong and instead just tries to blame me for his behavior. Even after getting a restraining order against him, his family does not seem to think what he has done is really that bad either. They have continually minimized it and enabled him. They act as though they are above the law.
I know it is difficult for many to understand why anyone would stay with someone that abused them. Hopefully this will shed some light on it. This was my experience, and I know there are many more stories out there. #WHY I STAYED
