February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month and I know some of you out there have teens (or you will have teens), so I thought it would be a good topic to discuss this month. Jenny Davidson, the CEO of Stand Up Placer, provided me with information. They can help teens that have been victims of teen dating violence. Too many young people are victims of violence, and they are reluctant to tell people because they can be scared or ashamed. Jenny told me that 33% of adolescents are victims of abuse by their partner. That is truly scary. It can be verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual. This day and age, with technology, it doesn’t even have to be in person. It can be done on the computer, or via a cellphone. So what kinds of things would be considered teen dating violence? Here’s a list:
*Emotional & Verbal: Unreasonable demands, threats, angry outbursts, name calling, put-downs, manipulation and coercion.
*Physical: We all think of the obvious, hitting, kicking, grabbing, punching, strangling, basically any thing that could physically hurt someone. But did you know that physical abuse can also be when someone is throwing or damaging your property? What about someone blocking and keeping you from leaving or moving freely? Both of these things are considered physical violence in California.
*Sexual: This is not just the forcing of an actual sexual activity. It can be unwanted touching and fondling. It can be threats of sexual violence. It can even be sharing of nude photos, including through technology.
*Social: The spreading of rumors, harassment or slander. This can be done through social media even.
*Stalking: This can be following or waiting for you in places they know you will be.
As parents, it’s important we are teaching our children about consent. That means giving consent, and receiving consent. That means making sure they know it’s their body and they get to say when, and if, they are ready to allow themselves to be touched. It means they need to know that consent has to be given for each step of the way, as they progress in their physical affection, and just because they may have had sexual relations one time, does not mean consent is given for additional times. If someone says No, it does not mean they are playing “hard to get”, and you just need to keep pushing.
Besides trying educate our youth, another thing parents can do is try and be approachable for their teen. Let them know they can come to you. Too many acts of violence get hidden, pushed inside, only to surface in behaviors that are risky, such as drug and alcohol abuse, promiscuity, and eating disorders. If your child’s behavior starts to seem out of character, it’s important to try and get the lines of communication open, so you can find out what’s going on. Yes, their behavior is going to change as they reach the teen years, but if you have a child that has always been a good student, and suddenly grades start dropping, or you notice the group of friends they’ve always hung out with have been replaced by others (especially ones that appear to have some behavior problems), take notice! If they won't talk to you, maybe there is another family member or friend that could help.
Teen violence is nothing new. I myself, experienced it my first year of high school when 3 boys from the football team cornered me after school, and were attempting to take my clothes off. I was fighting back and screaming. A crowd of boys (the rest of the football team) stood by and watched. Thankfully, a teacher opened a door and looked out, and they scrambled away, allowing me to get away. The truly appalling thing is the teacher did not ask me if I was okay, or acknowledge what had just happened, even though it was obvious I was having to button up and fix my clothing. I felt ashamed, and didn’t tell anyone. Things were never the same at that school for me after that. I was never the same. Thankfully, we moved shortly after that, but I carried it with me or years.
Nowadays teen violence seems to be even more rampant. With technology, kids don’t even have to be in the same room to be violated. All they need is a phone. The same device we give our kids to enable them to stay in contact with us, so we know their safe, can be causing them unimaginable pain. I know it’s impossible to turn back the hands of time on technological advances, but I really wish kids didn’t have smart phones. If they only had a basic phone, at least we could cut down on how easy it is to send inappropriate photos, and texts.
It’s much harder for parents these days because they have more to worry about, but remember this, as hard as it is for you as a parent, it’s even harder for your children. They are still learning about themselves, the world, what they want, and what is good for them. They don’t have the life experiences, or maturity, to understand and deal with all of the things being thrown at them. They need you to help guide them. They need you to take notice of changes. Even when they act like they don’t, they need you to be there for them, to help them make sense of what is going on, and listen when they have something to say. I don't remember who said it, and I know I'm paraphrasing, but there is truth to the saying that those that need the most love, will ask for it in the most unloving ways. It can be a cry for help.
Stand Up Placer is there to help, should you find your teen has been a victim. They can help with: Crisis Intervention, Individual Therapy, & Teen Sexual Assault Therapy. They can also provide a court advocate, and help with restraining orders.
Stand Up Placer Help Line: 1-800-575-5352
Stand Up Placer is a private, non-profit 501(c) organization. Donations are always welcome. They also have a Thrift Store in Roseville.
